My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
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Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.