Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
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I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
all that yoga finally paid off
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?