Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
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opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
NOT all policemen are strippers.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together