@Adam14

We’re like that movie You’ve Got Mail. You’re with the wrong guy, I’m with the wrong girl then I end up on an island married to a volleyball

@Adam14

A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.

@Adam14

Calling a girl “honey” is ok.

Calling a girl “bee vomit” is not ok.

I’m a relationship expert.

@Adam14

My new bowflex comes tomorrow…so if anyone wants to buy a slightly used bowflex in a couple months let me know.

@Adam14

Hey, people who don’t properly re-seal your half empty bags of potato chips… what’s it like eating spider eggs?

@Adam14

I heard that sadomasochistic vegans like to get beet and artichoked.

Some even like getting pead on.

Don’t turnip your nose at this.

@Adam14

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes

@Adam14

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

@Adam14

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

@Adam14

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.