The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
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Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down