GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
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Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.