same bro
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My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’