Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
You Might Also Like
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.