Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
You Might Also Like
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.