how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
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Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea