When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
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How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.