If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*
*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.