I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
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“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
We avoided this particular disaster
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!