My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
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Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129