me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
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My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?