Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
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Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby