When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
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People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Siri: Retweet me.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Sex so good you see dead people.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.