Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
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doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Every time.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.