I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
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My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
(True)
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️