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@Adyaces : Me: That'll teach me
Also me: No it won't
@Adyaces: It's all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
@Adyaces: Doc: You need to lose some weight.
Dr: Don't eat anything fatty.
Me: Like pies and chips?
Dr: No. Don't eat anything, fatty.
@Adyaces: No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won't come out. Are you stuck? I think you're stuck.
@Adyaces: Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It's my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there's Homer, Bart....
@Adyaces: Just slammed my foot on the pedal trying to impress a girl. Turns out she'd seen a bin opened like that before.
@Adyaces: Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
@Adyaces: The first time I stayed at my girlfriends' house, her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.
Shame, he's very attractive.
@Adyaces: Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
@Adyaces: Joseph: A crib full of straw? No, I asked to see the MANAGER.