You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Me: That’ll teach me
Also me: No it won’t
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
Doc: You need to lose some weight.
Dr: Don’t eat anything fatty.
Me: Like pies and chips?
Dr: No. Don’t eat anything, fatty.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Just slammed my foot on the pedal trying to impress a girl. Turns out she’d seen a bin opened like that before.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?