@Adyaces

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

@Adyaces

Me: That’ll teach me

Also me: No it won’t

@Adyaces

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

@Adyaces

Doc: You need to lose some weight.

Me: How?

Dr: Don’t eat anything fatty.

Me: Like pies and chips?

Dr: No. Don’t eat anything, fatty.

@Adyaces

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

@Adyaces

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

@Adyaces

Just slammed my foot on the pedal trying to impress a girl. Turns out she’d seen a bin opened like that before.

@Adyaces

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

@Adyaces

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

@Adyaces

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?