Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
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As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.