To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
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This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
#Caturday
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us