I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
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This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Solving a traffic jam
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
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my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.