I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
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Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.