BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
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[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Guilty! 🤪
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?