@AimeeHelene1

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

@AimeeHelene1

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

@AimeeHelene1

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

@AimeeHelene1

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

@AimeeHelene1

Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.

@AimeeHelene1

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

@AimeeHelene1

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.