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Page of AimeeHelene1's best tweets

@AimeeHelene1 : Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

@AimeeHelene1: From your body language, you're either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

@AimeeHelene1: If you don't answer your kid's tenth "MOM!", I will...and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask "what?"

@AimeeHelene1: Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that...was me.

@AimeeHelene1: Me: zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don't see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

@AimeeHelene1: Me: I'm so fat...

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

@AimeeHelene1: (my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can't understand you.

Caller's wife: Omg that's so rude! That's her accent and she...

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
"Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on"

@AimeeHelene1: *comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone's face*

@AimeeHelene1: Accidentally used the dog's shampoo today, and I'm feeling like such a good girl.