*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Me: *pees on her leg*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.