Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Me: *pees on her leg*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.
Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.