Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AimeeHelene1's best tweets

@AimeeHelene1 : Nobody invites me to spa day...

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone's eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.

@AimeeHelene1: What'd you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

@AimeeHelene1: Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You're supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That's for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

@AimeeHelene1: The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

@AimeeHelene1: I'm just wondering how long it's going to take someone to notice I'm eating this pudding cup with a pen.

@AimeeHelene1: Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

@AimeeHelene1: From your body language, you're either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

@AimeeHelene1: If you don't answer your kid's tenth "MOM!", I will...and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask "what?"

@AimeeHelene1: Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that...was me.

@AimeeHelene1: Me: Well...my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don't see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*