Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AimeeHelene1's best tweets

@AimeeHelene1 : My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can't stuff your face when you're sleeping.

@AimeeHelene1: Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that's just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

@AimeeHelene1: *husband comes outside*
"What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?"
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

@AimeeHelene1: Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I'm going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

@AimeeHelene1: To the person that put "SMILE" as their name on the printer... I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.

@AimeeHelene1: The best call ever would be "Hey, it's me!", but from your dog...

1. Aww your dog's calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!

@AimeeHelene1: *yells at husband*
I can't make it fit! It won't fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

@AimeeHelene1: Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

@AimeeHelene1: I've developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.

@AimeeHelene1: Hi, I'm a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I'm gonna fly in this lady's face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.