@AimeeHelene1: I've developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
@AimeeHelene1: Hi, I'm a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I'm gonna fly in this lady's face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
@AimeeHelene1: Him: If you're waiting for me to apologize...
Me: No...no...I'm just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
@AimeeHelene1: *Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
@AimeeHelene1: I just said "bye - bye" when I ended a phone call, and now I'm debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
@AimeeHelene1: (Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you're here.
Me: $20 it's a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
@AimeeHelene1: When someone at work asks you what you're doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.