Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of AimeeHelene1's best tweets

@AimeeHelene1 : If I don't make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.

- the lady in front of me

@AimeeHelene1: When in Texas...
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

@AimeeHelene1: I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren't they?

@AimeeHelene1: I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water...
Or food...
Or baby...

@AimeeHelene1: I'm convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

@AimeeHelene1: I feel like I might kill someone today, and I'm starving. So clearly the best solution is to just eat someone.

@AimeeHelene1: Nothing makes me feel more "white collar" than when I'm nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

@AimeeHelene1: I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed "dust me" on my coffee table recently.

@AimeeHelene1: Him: What? I couldn't understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!