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Page of AimeeHelene1's best tweets

@AimeeHelene1 : Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

@AimeeHelene1: I've developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.

@AimeeHelene1: Hi, I'm a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I'm gonna fly in this lady's face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

@AimeeHelene1: Him: If you're waiting for me to apologize...

Me:'m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

@AimeeHelene1: *Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

@AimeeHelene1: (Ordering at restaurant)
I'll take...
Page 4

@AimeeHelene1: This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

@AimeeHelene1: I just said "bye - bye" when I ended a phone call, and now I'm debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

@AimeeHelene1: (Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you're here.

Me: $20 it's a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

@AimeeHelene1: When someone at work asks you what you're doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.