@AimeeHelene1: Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that's just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
@AimeeHelene1: *husband comes outside*
"What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?"
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
@AimeeHelene1: Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I'm going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
@AimeeHelene1: To the person that put "SMILE" as their name on the printer... I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
@AimeeHelene1: The best call ever would be "Hey, it's me!", but from your dog...
1. Aww your dog's calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
@AimeeHelene1: *yells at husband*
I can't make it fit! It won't fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
@AimeeHelene1: Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
Me: There was a spider.
@AimeeHelene1: I've developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
@AimeeHelene1: Hi, I'm a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I'm gonna fly in this lady's face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.