New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
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Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.