Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of AimeeHelene1's best tweets

@AimeeHelene1 : "Aimee, could you please mute your phone?"

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

@AimeeHelene1: Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

@AimeeHelene1: Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

@AimeeHelene1: I like to keep a "wet paint" sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

@AimeeHelene1: Whoa, whoa whoa...

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

@AimeeHelene1: Let's send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

- news stations

@AimeeHelene1: I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

@AimeeHelene1: *runs Baywatch style through Wendy's drive-thru*

@AimeeHelene1: Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!