If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.
Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!