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Page of AimeeHelene1's best tweets

@AimeeHelene1 : If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

@AimeeHelene1: Me: I'm sorry; I don't remember your name. I know it starts with an S though.... Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy...

Him: name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would've never gotten that.

@AimeeHelene1: I read that peacocks "are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them".

See you all later. I'm moving in with my new family now.

@AimeeHelene1: *holds up gun*

Bank: You mean money?

Oh, bother...

- Pooh robbing a bank

@AimeeHelene1: *goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

@AimeeHelene1: *husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you...
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don't...
Me: *honk*
Me: *honk*

@AimeeHelene1: If you schedule me for a conference call after hours...I'll participate.

But I'm just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

@AimeeHelene1: It's like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it's you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.

@AimeeHelene1: Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.