Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of AimeeHelene1's best tweets

@AimeeHelene1 : Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

@AimeeHelene1: Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa...I'm not the one walking around smelling like ham!

@AimeeHelene1: *makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

@AimeeHelene1: *yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

@AimeeHelene1: *goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

@AimeeHelene1: I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that's how you accidentally get bangs.

@AimeeHelene1: DON'T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

@AimeeHelene1: Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

@AimeeHelene1: Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident...

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that's not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma'am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don't forget to take a picture!