*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!
Bank: You mean money?
– Pooh robbing a bank
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!
Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*