@AimeeHelene1

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

@AimeeHelene1

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

@AimeeHelene1

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

@AimeeHelene1

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

@AimeeHelene1

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

@AimeeHelene1

Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!

@AimeeHelene1

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

@AimeeHelene1

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*