Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of AimeeHelene1's best tweets

@AimeeHelene1 : Let's send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

- news stations

@AimeeHelene1: I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

@AimeeHelene1: *runs Baywatch style through Wendy's drive-thru*

@AimeeHelene1: Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!

@AimeeHelene1: Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

@AimeeHelene1: Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa...I'm not the one walking around smelling like ham!

@AimeeHelene1: *makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

@AimeeHelene1: *yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

@AimeeHelene1: *goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

@AimeeHelene1: I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that's how you accidentally get bangs.