Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Me: *closes eyes*
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*