To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
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After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
March 16
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,