[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
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wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Not all heroes wear capes.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
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