Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
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ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”