My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
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hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I’m dying louder than usual today.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!