inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
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Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.