Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
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If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Who does Amazon think I am?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.