@AlanFelyk

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

@AlanFelyk

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

@AlanFelyk

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

@AlanFelyk

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

@AlanFelyk

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

@AlanFelyk

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

@AlanFelyk

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

@AlanFelyk

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

@AlanFelyk

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

@AlanFelyk

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.