@AlanFelyk: Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
@AlanFelyk: Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
@AlanFelyk: To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
@AlanFelyk: “You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
@AlanFelyk: You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
@AlanFelyk: It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
@AlanFelyk: I like to write "made you look" on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
@AlanFelyk: Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
@AlanFelyk: Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*