Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
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Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
🙁
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..