[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
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[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?