*lifts 10 pound weight*
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus
Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole
Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
[Me as 911 Operator]
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.