Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
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According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
The Sun’s probably Asian.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.