HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
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[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.