Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
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How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop