* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
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Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Carpe DM
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”