Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
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[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
This checks out
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Big Sex has us all fooled
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer