There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
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If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.