Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
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🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.