ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear
ME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*