If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
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The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Spell check is for lasers.