If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
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♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist