Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I used to go dumpster diving but eventually concluded that my local swimming pool was a better place to do it.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I have an on/off relationship with all of my light switches.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.