@AllanForsyth

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

@AllanForsyth

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

@AllanForsyth

I used to go dumpster diving but eventually concluded that my local swimming pool was a better place to do it.

@AllanForsyth

Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.

@AllanForsyth

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

@AllanForsyth

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

@AllanForsyth

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

@AllanForsyth

1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer

1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.

@AllanForsyth

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.