Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
About 20 years ago I received a visit from my time travelling future self, but was high on weed at the time.
I woke up the next morning with a vague memory of being told to buy apples and bits of coin.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Boss: It’s your time to shine, son.
Me: *arriving late for my shoe cleaning job once again* Sorry sir.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.