@AllanForsyth

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

@AllanForsyth

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

@AllanForsyth

“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

@AllanForsyth

Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

@AllanForsyth

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

@AllanForsyth

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

@AllanForsyth

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

@AllanForsyth

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

@AllanForsyth

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.