@AllanForsyth

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

@AllanForsyth

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

@AllanForsyth

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

@AllanForsyth

About 20 years ago I received a visit from my time travelling future self, but was high on weed at the time.

I woke up the next morning with a vague memory of being told to buy apples and bits of coin.

@AllanForsyth

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

@AllanForsyth

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

@AllanForsyth

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

@AllanForsyth

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

@AllanForsyth

Boss: It’s your time to shine, son.

Me: *arriving late for my shoe cleaning job once again* Sorry sir.

@AllanForsyth

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.